I Actually Just Did That!

I don’t even know where to start. I made it home! I actually just did it?? I sailed all the way round Great Britain and Ireland, 3000 nautical miles, just me and the boat. Through the swells, the storms, the flat calms, the nights I thought I couldn’t keep going. Turns out I could.

After 16 hours at sea sailing from Ireland, I came in and saw just how many people were there waiting. I will never not ever forget that moment. To everyone who turned up, who messaged, who supported from the sidelines, who cared, THANK YOU. For a long time I felt like no one would care if I lived or died. Seeing just how many people do care meant more than I can ever explain.

The truth is I never thought I would get this far. If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have told you I did not think I would live to see 16, let alone 18. Life felt impossible. Nights were about surviving until morning. I went through years of self harm, suicide attempts, running away, depression, panic, PTSD. It was messy and ugly and I honestly did not believe a day like this could exist for me.

For a long time I was not safe to be left alone. Friends and family had to keep me under constant supervision. Even walking down the street, someone would stand between me and the road in case I stepped out. I am not saying this for drama or to be all “poor me”, it was just my reality. I never spent time in hospital, and I count myself lucky for that, but my mum lived in fear of getting the call that this time it was too late.

That was when I started dreaming of this adventure. Sailing was something I loved for a long time. It represented freedom at a time when I had none. After reading Ellen MacArthur’s book about sailing round Britain I thought, why not? It started as a crazy idea, but it gave me hope. I talked about it for years, and somehow I got from that place, not safe to be left alone, to here, having actually done it.

When I finally left, people supported me because they knew I was determined (stubborn) enough to go anyway, and with their support it was at least a little safer. You all saw how the beginning went, it did not exactly inspire confidence. But I was qualified and skilled, and I believed in myself. And slowly, I grew into it.

I did it on a minimal budget, no support crew, fixing and figuring out everything myself. The hardest part was not the sailing, that was my comfort zone. I loved it, whether it was helming in rough seas or sitting on the bow with dolphins. The hardest part was learning to live. Cooking, cleaning, eating three meals a day, sleeping even just doing laundry. The simple stuff. But slowly I got there. And somewhere along the way, I actually sailed round Britain and Ireland.

It still has not sunk in. I had the best welcome home I could have imagined, but after a long day I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I have taken a few days to sleep, to rest, to process.

I would not be here without the NHS, the DBT team, the Amethyst Project, various charities including Mind, and at times even the police. They alongside my family and friends all played a part in keeping me alive long enough to reach this point. For that I will always be grateful.

To anyone else who is struggling, I promise the story is not over yet. Just hold on for five more minutes. I remember my therapist saying, things cannot get better if you are dead, I cannot help you if you are six feet under. If I had not fought to be here, if I had not let people help me, I would not have done this. I would not have had that day. The very best day. So please, just try for five more minutes

Now I am already back at work with PPSA, teaching watersports and still living onboard Pink Delta. But I have whole new challenge ahead. I am starting university in just over two weeks. My education was disrupted by my mental health, so I don’t have the traditional qualifications, but I think I’m ready to try. I’m starting with a foundation year and we’ll see how it goes, but the difference is I have options now. I have a future I want to look forward to.

So to anyone who just got their results, life is not all about that. There is no set timeline or direction. Achievement is not just about school, or grades, or money. It is about living. And your best life might look completely different to someone else’s.

The last 460 days I have been living my very best life. Not the easiest, but the very best.

Next up for me is finally getting my manual driving licence. Hopefully it will be a bit easier than 3,000 miles at sea on my own.